Time ago

My true problem with participating in capitalism?

Not enough time to vibe man. Always have to be on a time schedule. Can't just let my brain go and do its own thing without that in the back of my mind. We have work in an hour and 45, but we gotta leave 15 minutes before then to get there on time. Gotta stop anything that we're doing 15 minutes before that because we have to be perceivable in a pleasant light to strangers. When I get home I have anywhere from 2 to 6 hours (depending on how much time I want tomorrow) to do all the things I need to do before bed (eat, hygeine, socialize, tend to pets).

And when I do have a day off thats not dedicated to anything in particular, Im usually insanely worried I'm not being productive enough on the things I spent all week angry that I wasn't able to do (which ultimately takes away from doing that thing). Even if that is a product of being tired and not being able to go the speed I had been going all week on my day off. I have to continually remind myself that sometimes there just isn't enough energy or time available to me and I am correctly prioritizing things. Paying rent and bills is important. Im aware of how the system is trying to trap me and keep me in this state where I haven't the energy to act out or be creative because thats dangerous on a massive scale. It drives consumerism as I ever strive for more self actualization I'll never achieve serving the capitalism that both hinders and allows my survival.

It makes the dream of working for myself so much more tantalizing, and I think about it often. But selling yourself on your own merits leaves you even more prone to the crushings of capitalism. You can work your hardest and still not make it, even if you did everything """right""".

I used to think that the world was just something built for a different type of person because I never fit in it quite right. Now I know the truth.

The world was intentionally not built for me. It was built to control me.